Atos To Use Psychics To Carry Out Work Capability Assessment!

French IT firm Atos are to employ a team of psychics to carry out Government health checks aimed at stamping out benefit fraud.  The company, who carry out the notorious  benefit eligibility tests, claim this is part of a new drive to root out scroungers who may not be telling the truth.

After storms of protests and a soaring rate of appeals it seems they are turning to ever desperate measures to strip benefits from as many people as possible.

Atos have been quick to point out that psychics will not replace the short computer test currently used to assess complex healthcare needs, but will simply be an addition to their service.  A recent pilot study revealed that psychics were just as able to diagnose conditions and determine health needs as the healthcare professionals Atos employs.

It is believed that psychics may be better able to spot people believed to be cheating the system.  A spokesperson for the company said:

“This is simply about providing added value for the tax payer.  Psychics will be employed alongside our healthcare staff and will simply be used to add value to our decision making process.  All future claimants will have a five minute chat with a psychic who may be able to provide additional insight into their condition.”

Atos have even stressed by this may be beneficial to claimants attending the test.  Psychics who are believed to have healing abilities will be specifically targetted.  The company claim:

“The existence of faith healing is now an established fact.  Whilst psychics will be employed largely to determine whether someone is telling the truth or not, we also hope that they will bring some of their healing ability with them.  This will greatly assist us to meet the Government target that no-one should be deemed unable to work after leaving an Atos assessment.”

You don’t need a crystal ball to know this will be yet another disaster for the Government’s welfare reform.

15 responses to “Atos To Use Psychics To Carry Out Work Capability Assessment!

  1. As I recognise today’s date I will take this post to be April fool hahaha

  2. Eric Greenwood

    Thing is, April fools like the above, are less silly than the real world..

  3. It’s a slippery slope, it won’t be long before the NHS are handing out Lucky Heather instead of antibiotics!

  4. 😀 Be about as accurate as the WCA as it stands *nods*
    I’d be happy to lend my tarot reading skills for just a proportion of what they pay (bribe) the ‘HCPs’. On second thoughts the ‘psychic’ professions have a strict code of conduct on that kind of thing. Something about doing no harm, I think it goes…

  5. they’ve just hired a new HCP – Clinton Baptiste

  6. Good one Johnny.
    Shame this is only April Fools. I’d be happier if it was true as I’d have more faith in psychics getting it right!

    Did you see the Guardian’s “conservatives ask shaun Ryder to advise on Class” and “we’re all eating this together” T’shirt.

    Stories in the Mail .. well, it’ always hard to tell which are made up.

    Happy Sunday.

  7. I am your April Fool! Nice try Johnny! Believable though,considering Atos has a better ‘cure’ rate than the entire medical profession & Lourdes combined. Why not try Mystic Meg,too?!

  8. I believed this!!
    Ive just sent off a freedom of information request to the DWP with regards to this!!!

    Please can someone confirm that this was indeed an April Fools erand, In which case I am the april fool big time. I just hope I dont get into trouble for slander or something.

  9. I’m afraid it was – don’t worry about getting in trouble, feel free to blame me.

    • Thanks Jonny

      I was careful to use the word ‘allegedly’ in my freedom of information request so mabey they wont be able to get me with it.
      I cant believe I fell for that – Im 52 for christ sake!!!!!

      • Hi Looby don’t worry about it I nearly fell for one elsewhere earlier this morning and as far as FOI goes they make much more than that up on a daily basis-)

        • Thanks
          Well at least I can laugh at myself for being such a gullerble idiot – and I expect there are a few of you out there whom have also had a great laugh about my exploits in the defense of the poor being exploited. And thats ok, we all need something to laugh at in these horrible times.

          I will remember this one to tell my grandchildren when I am old and grey.

  10. Eric Greenwood

    What would be scary Looby, is if you got confirmation back that it is true LOL.. truth is always stranger than fiction..

  11. Don’t fret Looby! For a brief second this a.m. I believed it!…..I mean,ANYTHING’S possible with the DWP.

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