Shock New Figures Reveal Rise In Laziness!

Some have predicted laziness could hit 3 million over the coming year.

Shocking figures have revealed that 44,000 people became lazy and workshy over the last month.  Young people and women appear to have been amongst the worst affected with one in five people under 25 now resorting to scrounging whilst 7,800 more women now sit around all day watching television and moaning.  A government source told us:

“Women have always been traditionally lazy with a history of lazing around the house drinking gin whilst men do all the work so to some extent these figures come as no surprise.  The rise in idleness amongst public sector workers is concerning and we believe is due to a combination of Gordon Brown, snow and the disabled.”

Disabled people are believed to be at the forefront of the laziness outbreak, with some reportedly too lazy to walk and many spending all day lying around in bed.

Worryingly more people are expected to become lazy over the next few months as Argos’ post Christmas reductions on plasma televisions and an improved SKY daytime schedule start to take effect.

The number of people who are lazy part time has also reached record levels.   Officials claim this could easily be rectified by forcing part time workers to work full time for the same salary.

“People must simply learn to work much harder for less or else how on earth are hardworking businessmen expected to make the kind of money they have become accustomed to.” said a Treasury spokesman this morning.

The outbreak of laziness has been condemned by hard working bankers and city workers, many of whom have received paltry bonuses this year.  Climbing into his new Porsche, one city spiv told us tensions were running high:

“We have worked tirelessly with the government to bring about the economic boom yet we are now seeing every month that thousands of people elect to stay at home and eat chips all day instead of getting out and doing a decent day’s work.  It’s all very well for these scrounging scum, sitting around having babies with their so called disabilities, yet it’s people like me who suffer.  Perhaps they’d like to know how it feels to only own three houses despite working like a slave.”

George Osborne was unavailable for comment, believed to be in the middle of a gruelling three hour lunch.  However his spokesman told us: “Gideon’s father worked very hard to get him where he is today and if the poor, idle and workshy can’t be bothered to do the same then fuck them.”


4 responses to “Shock New Figures Reveal Rise In Laziness!

  1. Quality! It’s good to be able to laugh and the ridiculousness of the whole situation. 🙂

  2. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

  3. That’s not funny. It’s cruel to mock the millions of tragic victims of the war of the rich against the poor, the helpless billions trapped in the millennial clash between global civilisation and human nature. What good did satirists like Pope and Swift and Bill Hicks ever do for the proles? Stick to parading about with placards and chanting inanities that should sort everything out.

  4. as one of those afflicted by the laziness epidemic I’d like to respond to that by saying …

    aaah fuck it I can’t be bothered

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