Rumours abound that the army is likely to be called in to the town of Devizes to seal off the area after deadly skunk factories have been found in the area.
Still suffering from a recent heroind epidemic, during which one gram of heroin was recovered in a daring police raid, this new find has sent shockwaves throughout the community. A terrified local, whose trousers were stained with semen after being unable to find a rape victim told us
“It’s everywhere, I just had one little puff and immediately became schizophrenic, paranoid, nauseous and desperate for harder drugs. The whole towns on the stuff, the bins haven’t been emptied in weeks.”
But one brave crusader is fighting back. PC Adam Hall (pictured below) recently led a terrifying assault on a garden shed and recovered six of the deadly plants. Hall told us:
“It was touch and go and we didn’t know if we’d all make it back. After donning protective clothing to protect us from the deadly fumes we opened the shed door and there they were, glowering at us. I’ve never been so frightened in my life, but I just kept thinking of the children.”
“This just goes to show what happens when people are left to there own devizes.”
One man was arrested.
Meanwhile some locals have upgraded security after rumours that marauders from Bristol are set to storm into the small town in a desperate search for skunk. Skunk addicts, known to be killers when unable to ‘get their fix’ have suffered recently due to the government sponsered ‘skunk drought’. Outbreaks of washing up have been reported in squats across Bristol, whilst DVD rentals have plummeted.
Devizes neighbourhood policing team have requested people call them on 0845 408 7000 extension 737817 to let them know what you think.
Many thanks to fearless investigative journalist Jill Crooks of thisiswiltshire.co.uk for this story which is believed to be a likely contender for this year’s Pulitzer Prize.