George ‘Gideon’ Osborne today blamed witchcraft for the recent slump in economic growth. Speaking from a ski-lift in Davos Osborne said that whilst Trade Unions, weather and the Labour Party all shared some of the blame he now believed a coven of witches, possibly located within the media, may be responsible.
Osborne claimed:
“Having looked at all the possible scapegoats, including benefit scroungers, single mothers and cripples, it is clear that something far more sinister is at work. The Coalition Government will not tolerate sorcery of any form and this is yet another example of women and godless socialists attempting to break Britain.”
Several leading members of the previous Government are believed to have been witches. A panel of Witch-finder Generals has been hastily assembled to track down the evil crones including Tory MP Dominic Raab, Andy Gray and Ashley Cole. Osborne believes that only a burning will restore confidence in the city and bring an end to the economic downturn.
Some have accused the man-hating Loose Women presenters. An angry mob of brown leather jacketed men wearing badly fitting jeans are currently on their way to ITV Studios brandishing unused Black and Deckers. Several undercover police officer are suspected to be amongst them with the Met warning all god-fearing men to give the missus a slap just in case.
Theresa May is believed to have scarpered.
