Perhaps I was a little harsh on the Windsors yesterday. After all she’s an old lady (although so was Myra Hindley when she died, no-one ever cut her any slack). But it must be difficult sitting on your arse spending money all day, whilst one errant son hangs out with paedos and the other’s fucking a horse.
On top of all this poor old Prince Phillip is recovering from a blocked coronary artery, a nasty little condition that must leave him terribly grumpy. So to cheer him up, and in the spirit of servility I propose we lay aside our differences and show gratitude by sending Philip a gift to help him keep his strength up during the arduous year ahead.
Since it’s Jubilee year then cake would seem to be an appropriate offering, the gooier and sweeter the better. None of your vegan shite, it needs double cream, butter and lashings of sugar. Send your cream cake to The Queen’s Husband, Buckingham Palace, London (don’t send donuts, they’ll never make it past the Royal Protection Officers).
Obviously it’s free to send the Queen things in the post, it’s the Royal Mail after all, but it does seem that some Post Office Counter Clerks (no doubt on workfare) are unaware of this. It’s messy trying to squeeze and gateaux into a post box, so if funds are short then you can always show your affection in other ways.
Prince Philip was a keen smoker in his younger days and it’s never too late to rekindle an old pastime. Ten Benson slips easily into a jiffy bag and is just as good a way of showing the Prince you care. Why not slip him a Mars Bar as well, deep fried or otherwise.
Don’t forget to include a touching message to personalise your gift. It doesn’t have to be eloquent, just a simple expression of how you feel about the Prince is bound to be appreciated. Something along the lines of ‘Die Soon’, whilst simple, is sure to set the Prince’s heart racing.
The one thing that would make this Jubilee year truly special is one, or even both of them, carking it before the celebrations. England Expects. Do your bit.
