The Secret Diary of David Milliband aged 43 3/4

Wednesday 30th July

What a day.  I finally had my writing published in the Guardian!  This could be my big chance.

Then I did a Press Conference and I was great.  Witty and very mature.  Gordon must be shaking in his boots now, Ha!  He should have known better than to upset my friend Tony.  I’ve got lots of ideas now for when I’m Prime Minister.  I pinched most of them from David Cameron.  He must be kicking himself.

Well it serves him right for the time he flushed my head down the toilet at Oxford.  I looked really good on television, you could hardly see my spots.  I found a word in the dictionary to describe it; statesmanlike.

Surely Lousie must fancy me after that.  If I’m really lucky she might let me touch her breast through her bra again.  I had another wet dream (I think) about it last night.  I’ve got three pubic hairs now so I know I’m ready to take things further.  All the other boys in the cabinet seem to have lost their virginity.  Is there something wrong with me?

I saw her chatting with Ed  last night.  I hope she doesn’t like him more than me.  Ed says not to worry and that he’ll have a word with her.  He’s always having a word with her for me.

Some people are saying Gordon should sack me.  Well he’d better not or he’ll get done by a Tribunal.  He can be such a bully but I’m going to stand up to him.  People won’t think I’m a geek when I’m running the country, oh no.

Anyway got to go now, Eastenders is starting and they said in the Mirror that Roxy is going to be on it in her underwear!  I might have another experimental feel down there.  It’s only happened when I’m asleep so far but surely it can’t be long now.  Better get some tissues just in case!

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