Monthly Archives: July 2008

The Secret Diary of David Milliband aged 43 3/4

Wednesday 30th July

What a day.  I finally had my writing published in the Guardian!  This could be my big chance.

Then I did a Press Conference and I was great.  Witty and very mature.  Gordon must be shaking in his boots now, Ha!  He should have known better than to upset my friend Tony.  I’ve got lots of ideas now for when I’m Prime Minister.  I pinched most of them from David Cameron.  He must be kicking himself.

Well it serves him right for the time he flushed my head down the toilet at Oxford.  I looked really good on television, you could hardly see my spots.  I found a word in the dictionary to describe it; statesmanlike.

Surely Lousie must fancy me after that.  If I’m really lucky she might let me touch her breast through her bra again.  I had another wet dream (I think) about it last night.  I’ve got three pubic hairs now so I know I’m ready to take things further.  All the other boys in the cabinet seem to have lost their virginity.  Is there something wrong with me?

I saw her chatting with Ed  last night.  I hope she doesn’t like him more than me.  Ed says not to worry and that he’ll have a word with her.  He’s always having a word with her for me.

Some people are saying Gordon should sack me.  Well he’d better not or he’ll get done by a Tribunal.  He can be such a bully but I’m going to stand up to him.  People won’t think I’m a geek when I’m running the country, oh no.

Anyway got to go now, Eastenders is starting and they said in the Mirror that Roxy is going to be on it in her underwear!  I might have another experimental feel down there.  It’s only happened when I’m asleep so far but surely it can’t be long now.  Better get some tissues just in case!

STOP PRESS: Saturday 15th May 2010 – First anti-tory demo

The first demo against Cameron and his gang of toffs, thieves, liars and traitors has been called at Parliament Square, midday, Saturday May 15th.

Weekend of Rage? First calls for anti-tory demos

Saudi cops ban teh kittens

Those paragons of liberalism the Saudi Arabian religious police have banned the sale of cats and dogs. People have also been banned from walking cats and dogs in the street.  The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice claims that the ownership of pets is a risk to social codes and morality.

They also claim that some men have been using dogs in the streets to pick up women, who presumably aren’t very choosy.  So now the randy Saudi’s won’t be getting any pussy at all this Summer.

This is the noble Saudi state which is an ally of Britain and the US in their endless war against Islamic extremism.

Back in Blighty the 5 law lords have upheld the decision by the Serious Fraud Office (SFO) to abandon its inquiry into BAE Systems’ £43 billion contract to supply arms to the Saudis.  One law for them …

(it’s silly season, the soon to be five year old’s running amok and the sun’s out.  What do you want, a Pulitzer prize winner?)

Free London – Saturday 2nd – Sunday 3rd August

The big one this weekend is the Carnaval del Pueblo due to be held in Burgess Park on Sunday (3rd) with over 100,000 people expected.  Now in it’s ninth year the event begins with a parade from Elephant and Castle beginning at noon making it’s way to the festival where Latin Music including Salsa, Hip Hop and Raggaeton will be played over 4 stages till 10pm.

The festival also hosts a large kids area.

Green types will already be on their way to the Climate Camp which also opens on Sunday in a site which has just been taken about 1km from Kingsnorth Power Station.  A week of workshops, discussions and general climate camping leads up to a day of mass action against the power station on the 9th August.  The nearest station is Strood where shuttle buses will be run to and from the camp, check the website for details.

In support the second South London Critical Mass bikeride will set off at 6.30pm from outside Peckham Library.

On Friday 1st August the Housebreakin‘ crew are fucking the credit crunch with a donations only party running from 11pm-6am in Brixton.  Expect dirty Tekhouse and more and head to Arch 269 on Coldharbour Lane.

More sedately Housmans Bookshop are holding an evening of discussion on Saturday night on how only workers can stop climate change. Housmans is at 5 Caledonian Road in Kings Cross and the event starts at 6pm.

Equally worthy is the Whaleless art event in Strychnine Gallery, 65 Hanbury Street, E1 which is unsuprisingly dedicated to all things whale-like and open on both Saturday and Sunday.

For cultured types there will be free theatre on the South Bank at the More London festival whilst just up the river the National Theatre has a series of free events on Friday and Saturday featuring performances and music as part of the Watch This Space season.

Finally for those with the energy, Monday sees a welcome return to Monday Love at The Good Ship, 289 Kilburn High Road. Kicking off at 7pm expect a night of music, films and discussions all for now’t.

And that’s all.

Climate campers gear up for the week ahead

Climate campers gear up for the week ahead

One rule for the rich …

The heir to the multi-billion pound Tetra Pak fortune has been let off with a caution after being caught smuggling drugs into the US Embassy.  Hans Kristian Rausing was found with almost 2oz of cocaine as well as heroin and crack earlier last month.

The street value of 2oz of charlie is about about 2 grand and would usually have led to an automatic charge of possession with intent to supply.  Not so for billionaires who can expect a slap on the wrist and to be sent on their way.

His wife was also cautioned for the same offence.  We tried to contact her for a statement but were told she was busy powdering her nose.

For God’s Sake Cease and Desist

A religious war has broken out on the internet after Christian cartoon blogger Dave Walker was critical of the Saint Stephen the Great Trust over their recent take-over of SPCK bookshops.

Now we’d normally say send in the lions and let them sort it out but in this case poor old Dave deserves a bit of support. The SPCK are a legitimate target chain of Christian bookshops who specialise in works of fiction about some dead people with beards.  What is of interest is that they were recently taken over by the aforementioned St Stephen Trust and appear to have been driven into the ground.

The St Stephen Trust are a bunch of Texan evangelist bastards run by one J Mark Brewer who had planned to save the failing SPCK and send the Lord’s own word to the unwashed hordes of the UK.  Unfortunately, like Jesus, they were ultimately made of fail and stores are now closing across the country  (religion, it’s over folks, deal with it).

Dave Walker had included tales of appalling labour practices on his blog as well as the now, much reported news, that one former bookshop manager has taken his own life.  This right narked off the Texan upstarts who last week issued a cease and desist order demanding that 75 posts be removed from his blog.  Being the meek type Dave complied although the posts lived on in the notorious google cache for a while.

We haven’t read them, but trust the likes of Bishop Alan because Christian types tend to be honest enough folks except when it comes to the really important stuff like evolution.  In any event we don’t really care what the truth is and just thought we’d join in the ruck to call the Saint Stephen the Great Trust a bunch of bullying cunts who are unlikely to enter the Kingdon of Heaven any time soon.

Always ready to jump on any old bandwagon several UK bloggers have now launched a spartacus style action by publishing posts in support of Dave.  And we’re happy to join in, because this isn’t just a bunch of sky-pixie worshippers falling out.

This is an employer using bullying tactics and legal threats in an attempt to censor criticism of poor employment practices.  And that’s a purely heathen issue.

Wembley Tent City – Re-occupied!

Despite being evicted by bailiffs just over a week ago, the Wembley Tent City opposed to privatisation of the education system has been re-occupied by a new group of ‘concerned citizens’.

Determined to resist the building of a new City Academy and save local sports facilities this group are calling for support to stop the new school being built. Head to the Wembley Tent City Occupation, Bridge Road, Wembley.

There’s been talk on teh interweb recently of how the anarchist movement can engage with issues that really matter to local communities. Here’s one.

A Message to Gordon Brown

Now we’d always thought that Brown was quite popular in Glagow but after last night’s election disaster we’re only too pleased to run this pic, yet again, giving him a suggestion of what he could do to save his Government.  We’re just planting seeds.

And whilst we’d rather see the whole fucking lot of ‘em up against the wall we do have one piece of advice for poor old Gordon.

Do what you were (never) elected to do.  Be brave, be a socialist.  Tax the rich fuckers who got us into this mess till they fucking bleed.

Then spend the money on raising public sector pay, benefits, pensions and tax credit.  Spend the next three years ensuring everyone who needs it has access to affordable social housing.  Renationlise the utilities companies.  End the creeping privatisation of schools and the NHS.  Raise, if not double, the minimum wage.

Stop punitive tax on fuel and booze and impose punitive tax on hedge fund managers, city boys and Corporate CEOs.  Seize the land from the aristocracy and give it back to the people.  Abolish the monarchy and re-instate the student grant.  End the policy of endless war and stop being a puppet state of the US.  Abandon the Trident replacement and use the money to fund research into renewable energy.

Repeal the countless assaults on civil liberties and forget about ID cards.  Stop subsidising the arms trade.  Tax private education and give the money to the education system, and most importantly, allow teachers and communities control of how that money’s spent.

Force down rail prices or renationlise the bastards.  Support local pubs and repeal the smoking ban.  Work with the Unions and communities to ensure a fair and decent quality of life for all in this society, and for once in your useless life prioritise the working class and forget sucking up to the middle class wankers you’re surrounded by.  Kick business out of government and tell high flying chinless wonders, not refugees,  to fuck off somewhere else if they don’t like it here.

Be brave Gordon, be a socialist.  Be a Labour Prime Minister and go down in history.

It won’t stop the likes of us trying to smash the state completely and it might not stop the Tories winning the next general election.  But they’ll have a hell of a time undoing the changes you’ve made.

Free London – Saturday 26th – Sunday 27th July

Things are a bit thin on the ground this weekend, but that’s okay because there’s only one event you need to know about.  The legendary Big Sexy Festy are holding an event on Saturday promising: “cold lager,excellent free party house music and the sun.”

Go to their website for full details to find out where it is, and be prepared to make a donation on the day.

Elsewhere, it’s Australia Day on Saturday and a host of venues are holding alcohol themed events in celebration.

In West London Ealing Jazz Festival rolls on with two stages of live music in Walpole Park on both Saturday and Sunday.

In South London the Horniman Museum is hosting Utsavam Festival which (they say) will feature the best in Indian music, dance, food, crafts and more.  On the South Bank, the Watch This Space festival has free performances on Saturday and you can download a full program for the event from here.

Finally on Sunday the Vibe Bar on Brick Lane celebrates Peruvian Independance with Pure Peru, an event with food, stalls and music with more details on this blog.

And for the politicos, Housmans Bookshop has Newsnight’s Paul Mason discussing syndicalism and workers’ struggles at 6pm on Saturday.

And til next week here’s a pic of Gertrude rocking out at last weekend’s enjoyable Bonkersfest.

Asda in corporate lying bastards shock

Pictured above is the ASDA 3-a-day bus at last weekend’s Lambeth Country Fair.    ASDA, alongside those notorious experts in childhood nutrition, Cheestrings and Kraft, have been touring the country telling parents that their children must eat three portions of dairy a day.

An outraged hard-working parent writes:

Shamelessly cashing in on the Government’s five a day fruit and veg dictat ASDA claim that kids must have a portion of yogurt, a piece of cheese and a glass of milk every day to stay strong and healthy

This is a complete and utter fucking lie.  Beside a couple of vitamins easily available elsewhere, milk is a one trick pony.  All it really contains alongside sugar and fat is a bit of Calcium and the benefits of this are unclear.  According to the Guardian:

“A study funded by the US National Dairy Council, for example, gave a group of postmenopausal women three 8oz glasses of skimmed milk a day for two years, then compared their bones with those of a control group of women not given the milk. The dairy group consumed 1,400mg of calcium a day, yet lost bone at twice the rate of the control group.”

It’s been suggested that over-consumption of animal proteins (like milk) makes excessive demands on the kidneys, which in turn leach calcium from the body.  Seen as this is the only real claim to health that milk has this isn’t good news for the Dairy Industry.

If you don’t eat fruit and veg eventually you’ll get scurvy and die.  If you eat too much you’ll probably just fart a lot.  This isn’t the case with dairy, whilst cutting it from a balanced diet completely will not have any health risks, if you eat too much then you’ll become obese and probably die.

Especially if you follow ASDA’ advice.

Health advisers warn that 7-10 year olds should not have more than 16 g of sugar in any one meal.  An  ASDA Organics Low Fat Apple and Blackberry Yogurt (sounds healthy) contains almost 13 grams of sugar per portion.  Alongside the 5g of sugar in a 100ml glass of milk, which ASDA suggest to drink throughout the day, this would push kids over the daily recommended amount.

If you fancied giving the kids a treat then an ASDA Extra Special Yogurt Lemon Curd Yogurt contains 20.9g of sugar.  Even ASDA’s plain Organics range yogurt contains half the mealtime guideline for sugar.

As for the likes of Kraft and Cheestrings plugging their dodgy products on the back of good nutrition, the idea that eating high salt and saturated fat garbage in the hope of sniffing out a bit of calcium amongst the over-produced junk is a big fat porky.

It’s a bit like squeezing an orange over a glass of Special Brew and telling kids it will do ‘em good.

Most of the world don’t rely on processed cow’s mucus to feed their kids.  In fact lactose intolerance is as high as 50% in some ethnic groups.  Is ASDA saying that East Asians or Hassidic Jews somehow have unhealthy cultures?

In 1965, investigators at Johns Hopkins found that 15% of all the white people and almost three-quarters of all the black people they tested were unable to digest lactose. Many more people in the world are unable than able to digest lactose including includes most Thais, Japanese, Arabs and Ashkenazi Jews, and 50% of Indians.

Should they be slurping the stuff down anyway to satisfy ASDA’s shareholders?

Nutrition is not an exact science and it seems that we’re told one thing one day and something completely opposite the next.  But what is sure is that Dairy is not an essential part of a healthy diet, and probably is quite the opposite.

For the likes of ASDA (which stands for Associated Dairies in case you didn’t know) to use confusion over nutrition to flog their hormone laced, high fat junk to kids is shameful, irresponsible and quite possibly illegal.

Boris’ bite can’t match his bark

The Glorious People’s Rebublic of Croydon are set to be the testing ground for the new dictat to eminate from City Hall. So called libertarian, Boris Johnson, is to continue his authoritarian tyranny by banning sales of alcohol to those under 21.

Alongside with the rulebook on stop and search being thrown out the window and banning booze on the tube this is the chinless one stepping outside of his remit once again. Boris shows the Tories up for what they really are, a power hungry clique of toffs desperate to establish their own little fiefdoms.

They talk of small Government right up until they are Government, when it all gets too much and their natural dictatorial nature takes hold.  Boris is turning out to be a fine example of this.

The Mayor’s office is largely to do with finance and planning; that and to be a public figure to represent the city. Since Boris can scarcely be allowed out in public he’s failed miserably at that.

And as for planning and budget control, well apart from the odd bung to his pals in Porsche and making sure the chaps are looked after, it’s all a bit boring for Boris. He’d far rather be larging it up touting some new law, the Great Leader on high delivering his latest string of petty rules to govern the inner-city hordes.

Fortunately his powers don’t extend to personally deciding the law of the land on a personal whim. Therefore none of these things actually are laws. You can’t be prosecuted for drinking on the Tube, just asked to leave. And of course it doesn’t apply to the overground lines because it wouldn’t do to upset the Claret-slurpers in First Class.

As for the rise in stop and search encouraged by Boris, we can only presume most of these searches are illegal, or on the edge of legality. It doesn’t require much encouragement for the London Met to act like a bunch of crooks but the sus-laws are not back no matter what Boris might like to think.

If the Police have reasonable suspician that someone is carrying a weapon or drugs then they will stop them. If they haven’t been doing that then they haven’t been doing their jobs. So calling for a rise in stop and search is either ackowledging that or asking the old bill to act illegally, which they quite like.

As for banning alcohol sales to under 21 year olds, this is not a law either. This is simply a voluntary scheme which local off-licences can sign up to and then completely ignore. Which they will.

This all represents the true nature of Cameron’s Conservative Party. Brash and authoritarian by nature, but flimsy, crooked and vague in practice.

Luckily Boris hasn’t got enough time to implement a five year plan.