Boris – Meet the Team

When Boris was told he needed to get some staff he immediately hired a butler and three parlour maids. Unfortunately City Hall spin chiefs had to explain this wasn’t what they had in mind.

So the intrepid Boris got on the phone to his chums.

Cityboy Kim Malthouse has been brought in to oversee the police. Malthouse has extensive experience in this are having led a noble (and yet failed) campaign to ban prostitutes from adverstising in phone boxes.

Not only that but he spearheaded a campaign to have beggars locked up and make grand claims that under whilst heading the Social Services department at Westminster Council he halved the number of rough sleepers in the borough.

This was done in several ways. Firstly homeless people in Westminster were rounded up, arrested and harrassed until they left the borough of their own accord and went to sleep rough somewhere else. Secondly with the connivance of then Homeless Tsar Louise Casey they fixed the annual street count to assess the number of street homeless people.

This was done quite easily by forcing everyone off the streets into hostels or cells on the night it was carried out.

Malthouse also actively campaigned against the congestion charge and believes the RMT have too much power. As Managing Director of a hedge fund company Malthouse has a unique insight into the needs of working class Londoners, or as he himself might say ‘fuck the poor’.

Joining Malthouse will be token black man, former screw and religious crackpot Ray Lewis. Ray believes:

“We need to teach our children that whatever they are is because of God and the talents they have are gifts from God,”

Well halle-fucking-julah a barking mad do-gooder who intends to impose God’s will on the city’s youth. So far so good, a chinless wonder cityboy and a god bothering fruitcake should fit in well with Boris and his chums.

Meanwhile oxbridge twat Sir Simon Milton has been put in charge of planning. Milton was up to his neck in the illegal homes for votes scandal in Westminster in the 80’s and was forced to make a gruelling apology at the time.

As Senior planning advisor Milton will once again have power over housing, but well you know chaps that business is all in the past and really nothing a chap should upset himself over.

Ian Clement who becomes Deputy Mayor for Government Relations appears to be a bit of a non-entity who doesn’t seem to have any opinions which is quite unlike Brian Coleman who will be the new chairman of the London Fire and Emergency Planning Authority.

Coleman wanted to turn Potters Field, a popular local parkon the South Bank, into a multi-storey carpark and was praised by high calibre political analyst Richard Littlejohn for reducing speedhumps in his Barnet Constituency.

Within weeks Coleman had been fined £300 and banned from driving for 6 months for … you guessed it, speeding. During this period Coleman spent a cool ten grand of tax-payers cash on cab fares.

Coleman has also called those legally protesting against the SOCPA legislation “sad, mad and bad”. This new approach may help to explain why peace protester Brian Haw was violently arrested within days of the Johnson administration taking office.

Finally dull as ditchwater Richard Barnes has been appointed as Boris’ number 2, a nice but dim safe pair of hands not likely to give a chap too much trouble.

So there we have it, lots of toffs a couple of crooks, no copper but one screw and if not a fascist then at least a confirmed racist at the helm.

Meet the new boss, possibly even worse than the last boss.