Monthly Archives: July 2006

Blair’s Reign of Terror Set to Continue

Rumours are suggesting that Tony Blair has been offered on job on the board of News International once he steps down as terrorist-in-chief leader of Airstrip One.

Blair and friends including hasbeen Bill Clinton, Newscorp execs murderer Arnold Schwarzenegger and ‘scourge of Africa’ Bono will all be attending a neo-con love-in entitled ‘Imagining the Future’ where Murdoch will reveal his plans for domination of the internet. Al Gore will also be present and is due to show his film about climate change … bless.

Blairs sources claim that Blair has not yet decided what to do when he finally leaves office, however he has been provisionally offered a place in a bail hostel should the Lord Levy affair blow up in his face.

A chance to mix with criminals would be the perfect experience for Blair should he join the board of News International, and his ability to lie pathologically is sure to be highly valued at the world’s leading propaganda outfit.

the void contacted Murdoch using an ancient Baylonian ritual. After slaughtering over 30 chickkens we finally tempted the dodgy old demon from the ether and he gave us this quote

“I have been monitoring the young adept Blair for many years and it was I who smoothed his path into government. He has shown his commitment to the forces of darkness and his tastes for slaughter seem to know no bounds. Under my pupilige I intend to harness his dark side and create a truly terrifying monster the likes of which the world has never seen”

before laughing maniacally and then disappearing in a cloud of red smoke. Rumours that Blair has already set up a Myspace page with songs from his failed rock band Ugly Rumours as well as other pub rockers including U2 and Pink Floyd have been hotly denied by Downing Street sources who claim that Blair intends to rule for all eternity … or at least a thousand years.

World Protests at Israeli Aggression

Protests happened around the world over the weekend, with many more planned throughout the week to chellenge Israel’s invasion and bombardment of Lebanon. Several thousand took to the streets in London for a rally at Trafalger Square. For a full international round up check here.

A ‘mass demo’ has been called by the Stop the War Coalition for this Saturday (5th) which will no doubt be depressingly familiar. Assemble at Hyde Park corner at noon to march to Parliament Square.

Meanwhile, and much more encouraging, an emrgency assembly has been called to plan direct action against the Israeli invasion of Lebanon and the continued occupation of Palestine. Go to Room H216, Connaught House, London School of Economics on Tuesday 1st August (that’s tomorrow folks!) for 6pm. For full directions check here.

Eviction Alert – Titnore Woods

TITNORE tree campers have vowed to continue their legal fight for occupation of woodland threatened with the chop at West Durrington. At a High Court hearing on Thursday July 27, senior official Master Turner gave them leave to appeal against his decision to grant a possession order to landowners Fitzroy and Clem Somerset. They now have until 4pm on Friday August 11 to lodge their appeal – the day before a planned day of solidarity protests in Worthing.

from indymedia

Campaigners have called for folk to join them and help resist the eviction. The battle to save Titnore Woods from a massive 875-home housing estate, road widening and associated new Tesco hypermarket has been waging locally for around five years. The protest camp has suffered constant police harrassment however they have vowed to fight to the end. For directions check http://www.protectourwoodland.co.uk/

Man Mugged For Half Eaten Sandwich!!!

In a shocking incident a helpless man was mugged in broad daylight for a half eaten sandwich during his lunch hour today.

The victim Billy Pickle, who did not wish to be named, was left severely traumatised and slightly peckish after assailants attacked him from behind and stole his sandwich in a cowardly attack. Pickle, aged 35 from 32 Watercress Road, Camden is believed to have bought the sandwich from exclusive restaurant chain Pret A Bourgeois and claimed he did not even see his assailants. No witnessess have so far come forward.

Police are looking for several young black men, but Met Chiefs, who have asked people to dob in their neighbours, have stressed that almost any ethnic minority would do.

Sandwich crime, also known as lunch-napping, is becoming more and more common across the capital. It has been revealed that sandwiches can fetch up to £200 in areas of Hackney and Lambeth, although they can often swapped directly for drugs. A leading drugs expert told us today:

“Many drug users exist on nothing more than crack, shop bought sandwiches and high strength lager. Even a half eaten sandwich would have a significant street value to these decadent bastards. It is believed an international sandwich smuggling racket has been operating in parts of South and East London for some time.”

Police have warned people to be vigilant at all times when eating lunch and to avoid eating in public at night or in areas free from CCTV.

The Home Office has ordered a clamp down on lunch related crime, with a senior source telling us “this just shows how far some people will go to get a free lunch”.

(this article first appeared in the Evening sub-Standard)

free festivals don’t come for free

The Big Sexy Festy Party in Finsbury Park last month was a welcome return, and undoubtebly the gig of the season so far, but these things cost money folks.

To help pay the bills and ensure the event returns next year they’re holding a benefit at an as yet undisclosed venue in Seven Sisters this Saturday (29th).

Here’s the details

“After the massive success of the recent free festival we hosted in Finsbury Park on 10 June we are now holding a benefit party to pay for the costs of the toilets,the staging, marquees and other site costs.
CRISIS RAISED £1960 on the collection and are keen to be involved next year now that they have seen the ethics and professionalism that the event upholds.

Big Sexy Festy Party Sound System:
Steve Bedlam – Noise Control Audio, Rockin Roots and Ska
Stevie K – Big Sexy Festy Party, Bad Ass Funk and Urban Ghetto Grooves
DJ Spindrift – Vagabond Boogaloo Club, Twisted Gypsy Beats and Breaks
Nelson Dilation – Vagabond Boogaloo Club, Worldwide Gypsy Beats
Tattoo John – Alabama 3, Dirty Filthy House Music
DJ Progress – Big Sexy Festy Party

Reknaw Sound System: Live Band Sessions from the festival Punk Underground
Pain, Defcon zero, Coma, Moral Dilemma, Constant State of Terror, Kensifella, Cave Canem plus more
With DJ’s Risky Rich, Tommy Gun and Dara spinning the sounds during and after the bands.

Plus….
Indoor Skate Ramps and BMX Park, Table Football and Chill Out Sofas, Cool Security and a tight door policy ie…No blags or lists…
This is a festival benefit party and the door will be unblaggable.”

so there you go, it’ll cost you a highly reasonable fiver, ring 07816 188228 on the day. Doors from 10pm, kicking out at 6am.

Another Wasted Opportunity

the void was so fashionably late to the demonstration against the Israeli actions in Lebanon that we pretty much missed the demo. What we can report is that it was around 10,000 strong (maybe slightly less) and happened without incident bar a bit of argy bargy at the American Embassy where some fences were knocked over.

As to the action at the beeb’s Big Dance in Trafalgar Square, well we received this exclusive report from someone who was there.

Having left the pub and rushed across town to Trafalgar Square it was disappointing to find only one person waiting around looking slightly bored. So including the person I’d been drinking with that made a dispiriting three of us.

I’d read about the idea to disrupt the BBC’s Big Dance live broadcast on indymedia and it seemed a unique opportunity to send a message of solidarity to the people of Lebanon and show that not everyone in the UK agrees with the current Israeli massacre.

At the end of the demo in Hyde Park several people had seemed excited about the prospect and pledged to be there. I’d already walked through the Square earlier and it was wide open, virtually cop free with only around 10-20 security guarding the event.

Brucie was having it large on the stage and several million bored viewers were due to tune into this sorry spectacle.

So it seemed a done deal, various sambistas and activists were knocking around London boozers and it felt like we might be able to pull this one off. So we weren’t deterred by our lack of numbers, and mobile phones came out and calls were made. We managed to pressgang a couple of folk into being involved who were unlucky enough to be in the area as well as draw on the support of four punks who were drinking at the top of the square.

It soon became clear that no-one was likely to be enticed out of the pub to pull off what could have been a stunning action. It also became clear that most of those who’d said they were coming actually weren’t.

But we remained optimistic, even after the handful of cops present nicked our beers, which sent the punks disappearing off into the streets of Soho to down white cider in peace. The broadcast ended at around 8 and by now we were five, a ragged anarchist army, disenchanted, some slightly worse for wear and with only two placards to our names.

When Brucie announced they’d be back on at 9 for the grand finale the phones came out again and we thought perhaps we could salvage the situation. We had an hour, we made phonecalls and by nine ‘o’ clock we were numbering a less than impressive 7.

We knew we didn’t have the numbers, reckoning 20 people at least would be needed to get through the security and in front of the cameras. By 9.25, back down to 6 having lost one of us to the lure of the offie we clambered over the fences, a futile gesture born of desperation and we lasted about 10 seconds once the security saw the placards.

So we went home, dejected and tired, having wasted several hours of our Saurday night to achieve nothing.

So frankly, where the fuck were you all?

As anarchos sat in around in the boozers, no doubt moaning of the pointlessness of yet another A to B march here was a real chance to subvert the media and show the people of Lebanon that we’re not all US and Israeli stooges in the UK whatever the government may suggest.

20 people, without doubt we’d have made it on the telly. 100 people and a samba band and we’d probably have made history. But still, not worth eating into anyone’s drinking time is it, I mean it was Saturday night after all.

Too often I hear complaints about the inability of London anarchists to provide any kind of effective resistance. Well here was a chance, gift wrapped with flashing lights, celebs and millions watching throught the country.

And as ever we let it pass us by.

Fuck we might even have had the chance of meeting Bruce Forsythe!

Prescott Looks to go Down Soon!

Seismic experts have warned people to stay in their homes and secure the windows after reports that John Prescott may jump before he’s pushed.

We say ‘don’t do it’ it’s way to much fun watching the sell out socialist squirm and wobble, and we can’t wait till he’s left in charge of the country. Blair must be wondering if there’ll be anything to come back to after the Summer, that’s assuming he’s not pleasuring Her Majesty in a very different way to usual come Autumn. So called writer Kelvin Mackenzie wrote in the Scum this week that he has placed a thousand pound bet on Blair being arrested before the end of the year.

The bookies gave him odds of ten to one and refused to take a larger bet!

So with Prescott proving unemployable and Blair in the nick it seems it will be down to Brown to supervise the dismantling of the Labour government …

… and whilst cack-handed tories still don’t seem to be able to fight themselves out of a paper bag and the Lib Dems being, well the Lib Dems, the void is thinking of standing for government at the next election.

Our policy would be simple, and our government would only aim to stand for one day.